For most of my life, I let a single word define me: shy. Looking back, it's almost as if I was scared of the world. Scared of saying the wrong thing, scared of people finding out I wasn't as smart as them, scared of bothering others. Scared of the world. In my mind, that's all I was: a shy kid.
At 17, while in high school, I went to study abroad for 6 months in Australia. I was the only international student at my high school in Perth, and I had no friends on that side of the globe. I suddenly found myself in a setting where I had no choice but to get out of my shell in order to survive. So I forced myself to meet new people, and soon came to realize I wasn't too terrible at it. Being the only international student did give me an edge, because many people were keen to meet "the new blonde (very handsome) boy from Italy". Anyway, I made some friends and, gradually, became more social. Don't get me wrong: I was still very shy and awkward, but I had proved to myself that, in the right setting, I could be more open. Less afraid. For the first time, I challenged my "shy" label.
But labels are no easy feat to dismantle. They are deeply ingrained within us, and it takes a lot of conscious effort to break free from them. For the most part, we don't get to choose them. They are usually developed at a young age, as the result of genetic predisposition, the environment we grew up in, upbringing and a bunch of other circumstances. Over time, labels become self reinforcing. Every time we react to a situation in a certain way, our brain strengthens the neural pathways associated with that response. Neuroscience calls this neuroplasticity. Basically, the more we act a certain way, the more likely we are to act in the same way the next time a similar situation will appear before us. The more that same neural path is followed, the more it gets reinforced, and the less likely it will be challenged next time. Imagine a path through a deep forest. Every time the path is walked, the clearer it becomes, and the harder it is to forge a new trail. That is why changing ourselves is so hard. We are not used to straying away for our labels, and we are constantly called to fight against an invisible enemy.
But here's the good news: just as labels are created through repetition, they can be broken in the same way. Every time you act in opposition to a label, you weaken its hold. Do it enough times and the label will crumble.
Australia was just the first step in the neural fight I undertook against my labels. Six years later, I still have to fight my inner introvert, but now pushing past it feels more natural. When I challenge a label, it reinforces the belief that I can behave in a certain way even if it feels uncomfortable, even if it’s not who I am. The "it's not who I am" is just a tale our inner self made up. It's the result of all of what's happened to you until today and of the way you responded to a series of external inputs. But you are free to challenge it every damn second. Are you the kind of guy that is afraid to talk to a girl and does not imagine himself doing it? Do it ONCE. It doesn't have to be a big deal. In the beginning it can just mean giving a girl a compliment without asking for anything else. But once you do it you have dented the label. Do it enough times and the label will crumble to pieces. I fight this battle every day. Everyday, the part of me that is scared of the world emerges and I have to push against it. Sometimes I manage to, sometimes I don't. But as long as you win more often than you lose, you are on the right track.
Last Friday was my first night out in San Francisco. I went to an event that my colleagues told me about. It was a startup competition that later in the night evolved into a DJ set (I know, only in SF). I got there with a colleague and after talking to some founders, we decided to go out and get a drink (our office was close, and drinks there were free, as opposed to the 15$ in the venue). Then my colleague went home. I was faced with a choice: return home or go back to the club by myself? Walking home would have been easy. No risk. No discomfort. Just the same old me, sticking to the same old patterns. I went back to the club.
I don't know if any of you reading this has ever been to a club by themselves. It's weird. You are dancing alone trying not to look like a creep, and doing your best to at least give the impression that you are having fun. Anyway, I was about to leave when I saw this BEAUTIFUL girl. We made eye contact and I told myself I had to go talk to her. Problem is she was with two visibly older ladies, and my brain started wondering if she was actually way older than she looked and if I'd have looked ridiculous approaching her. I went for a walk around the club to clear my mind. Then, I decided to challenge my label. I went up to her. It turns out she was there with her mum. She was amazing and we ended up spending the night out together (me, her, the mum & the mum's friend). Unfortunately this story doesn't end with a "they lived happily ever after", but you get my point (D, if you're reading this stop ghosting me on insta, pls).
Labels define your attitude towards life and your world view. There are few things that make me mad. But one is certainly hearing people say stuff like "I am a terrible runner, I am pessimistic, I am unlucky, I am bad at xyz". LABELS. Maybe you are not a good runner today, but go and run for a year and then tell me how you feel about it. Maybe you are pessimistic today, but go and hang out with positive people and watch how your attitude shifts. If you think you always have bad luck and things never go your way, I beg you to stop believing something so useless and counterproductive.
I'm not trying to argue that there isn't a genetic factor that influences our starting point. But far too many people accept their starting point without even trying to challenge it. I was a terrible runner, until I decided I didn't want to be, and trained for months to run a sub 4 hour marathon.
When I realized that labels were just that, labels, and that they could be breached, I allowed myself to dream more big, be more ambitious, believe I was destined to do great things. I kept raising the bar for what I though I could do. Imposter syndrome is omnipresent, as is the hunger for fighting my beliefs about myself. I have never thought of myself as particularly smart or talented. But after I started allowing myself to break that "unremarkable" label, I have achieved things I wouldn't have dreamt of just 3 years ago.
Last year I listened to Harry Stebbing's 20VC podcast everyday. I think the pod is brilliant, but there was one thing that always pissed me off to hear. Harry believes that one of the best predictors for a great entrepreneur is their childhood. Were they special in a way? Did they show early signs of exceptionality? If yes, there are good chances they can be a great entrepreneur. Do you know what? I believe this is true, for the most part. But it also creates a feeling of despair for all of us who lived a largely unremarkable childhood and teen years. Well, guess what: that is just another label.
If you think you can't be a great entrepreneur because you didn't do anything remarkable while growing up, FUCK THAT. You just gave yourself the unremarkable label and stuck with it, you never challenged it. If you think you cannot be a great writer because you are dyslexic, FUCK THAT. If you think you cannot be a great salesman because you're introverted, FUCK. THAT. Do you want to live a life were you are defined by circumstance and have no control over the person you are?
Live by your labels, and you’re a prisoner. Break them, and you’re free. So challenge your beliefs about yourself, reduce them to crumbles, dream big. Because you are the only one who has the power to believe that, in the end, you are so much more than a label.
P.S: I am no neuroscience expert, at all. I have done my research but if anything I have written is scientifically inaccurate please let me know, and accept my apologies.